Oh The Simple Pleasures – Manchester, 17th May 2016

The recent fiasco at Old Trafford summed up United’s season in one very handy microcosm. A farce of comical proportions occurred when a mobile phone with wires hanging off it was found taped to a pipe in one of the executive suites. I can understand the worry when first seeing something like that and I don’t blame whoever it was for alerting the authorities. However, anybody who has ever tried using a mobile phone in Old Trafford will tell you, it would’ve been impossible to detonate due to the abysmal signal in the ground. If it was a real bomb and somebody would’ve tried setting it off, it would’ve gone straight to voicemail.

Every blue household, “LOOK, LOOK, EMPTY SEATS AT OLD TRAFFORD”…*logs onto Facebook*

The evacuation procedure itself was quintessentially British. Not a hint of panic on Warwick Road as people calmly walked away from the ground. The biggest worry from Reds was managing to get to the pub before the bars got rammed.

Bournemouth fans however were a different breed altogether – somehow blaming fanzine and swag sellers for the game being postponed. I suppose it’s the kind of reaction you could expect from a load of Tory-voting Southern mard arses. One great thing to have come out of Sunday’s postponement is that this lot will have had two 500 mile round journeys in the last 72 hours. Fantastic.

Tonight, I would like to heartily apologise to fans of Aston Villa. Having been sat near Bournemouth fans for the match, I have to say that they are the most boring fans travelling in the world. They make Villa fans sound erudite. “We’re AFC Bournemouth, we’ve come from League 2” is all they sang, ad nauseum, to a big fat reaction of “so fucking what?”

Bournemouth is a traditional British coastal town and all good Reds do like to be beside the seaside, beside the sea, right? However, that one good thing about them coming up last season was quickly neutralised when we played them away in December.

One lucky red met his favourite United player of the season tonight

Before tonight’s match, there was a surreal atmosphere on Warwick Road. Spare tickets were like confetti and bearing this in mind, I nominate and subsequently grant Moz, one of the ticket lads on Warwick Road, the Manutdfansblog.com Entrepreneur of the Year Award for getting £20.00 for a spare ticket. Elsewhere, another Red was turned away on United Road for having what he was told was a stolen ticket, which had been given to him. He wisely didn’t hang around to debate the matter, but it had me thinking that he should’ve actually been dragged into the ground as an honoured guest. I’ve heard of some stories involving tickets over the years, but a stolen ticket for an end of season non-event against a non-entity side? Strewth…

As for the match. United won 3-1 with goals from Wayne Rooney, Marcus Rashford and Ashley Young. Such was the atmosphere, I was waiting for Gordon Ramsey and Paddy McGuinness to come on halfway through the second half. Most people missed Rooney’s goal in the 43rd minute. Live updates from an enthralling episode of Eastenders was keeping the crowd entertained (Barbara Windsor’s character is dead apparently) and nobody expects United goals in the first half anymore. Marcus Rashford made it 2-0 in the 74th minute and in the 87th minute, Ashley Young made it 3-0, which made sure that United overtook Sunderland’s  (17th in the Premier League) goalscoring record for the season. These are exciting times. Chris Smalling, being the nice lad that everybody knows he is, decided to put one away for Bournemouth in injury time, just to dampen any whinging they made have had as they make their 4/5 hour journey home tonight (ha-ha).

This is an image to get the blood pumping

I didn’t hang around for the “lap of appreciation”. I decided to follow the example of the self proclaimed pride of Manchester and I left the ground.  I believe Louis van Gaal gave a speech, but having watched the tepid shite his team have served up all season, there was no way I was listening to him justify his philoshophy when there was valuable boozing time to be had. There was a pub that required populating…well you would too, wouldn’t you? There’s a lot I could find wrong with this season, but I can’t be arsed*. I’m just grateful it’s (nearly) over and hopefully see a new manager in August.

So, onto the FA Cup final and it’s our old friends from Croydon, Crystal Palace, that we come across at Wembley. I want United to win this for no other reason that Palace fans moaning about United’s win in 1990 is only now abating. A United win on Saturday will give them something else to whinge about for another quarter of a century and let’s face it, any football ground where somebody like Matthew Simmons felt safe watching a match is an affront to humanity. I look forward to Saturday’s match and the monopoly of possession United will have as well as the two shots on target.

Next season, while Manchester City fans are booing the Champions League anthem (Chartists, Suffragettes and original trade unionists, eat your heart out) and playing in Madrid, Munich and Milan, we’ll be playing Sporting Spanners from the industrial hinterlands of Rumania, and why not? Some reds are pissed off about United not being in the Champions League, but the thought of United coming up against Madrid or Barca at the moment is a pretty sobering one anyway. United are just not good enough and the fate was sealed when losing to a lovable family club that’s owned by a pair of pornographers when 2-1 up with 15 minutes to go a week passed. City and their fans can have it anyway. They’re finding out something we’ve known for years, police forces in Latin countries are lunatics. I’m all for visiting an East European village where the beer is 10p a pint and twenty fags is only a little more…oh the simple pleasures.

*if however you have a couple of hundred quid to spare, I might be arsed into doing it

Buy the United fanzines. Subscribe to United We Stand here and Red News here 

7 thoughts on “Oh The Simple Pleasures – Manchester, 17th May 2016”

  1. Fantastic photo of yourself and our beloved mascot. I did however have to give it a double glance as your sunburnt complexion made you look almost identical to Fred. Get the aftersun on old bean.

  2. Sorry I couldn’t attend last night I am on a cruise round the Canary Islands! The boat is lovely and the food is great but I don’t like the cabaret much so far.

    1. Arr right Loonel. You don’t fool me with that new monicker. Your that French geeza right. It’s the way you put things. Shines thru. Have a summer mon ami. Bye for now

  3. Great Blog , as usual Murph the Bournemouth keyboard warriors should keep you amused throughout the close season with hoots of indignation a la Norwich and Leicester a year or so ago !! Cheers mate

  4. Cheers Murph, loved the blogs. Have a great summer mate loved that bit about the ‘ Perverts of West Ham ‘ and the disgusting Miss Karen B !! lol

  5. I’m one of those ‘mardy’ southern softies, you northerners go on about. Well we’re not so there. My daddy spent lots of he’s tax dodging money to send us oop there twice. Have you ever travelled that far in close succession, in the back of a limousine. No. I’ve followed my team, the ‘mighty Bournemouth’ through thick and thin since we’ve been in the premier league. And will until we’re relegated. Hope you lose every match for ever and ever. Tristram

  6. Munphy

    What do you calling a one off blog which is no longer a one off? A two off? Either way, my firm is well happy with you come back to life. In France we celebrate all media icon, and I’m sea you are a poser with one of my hero, Fred.

    We have interruptioned our match of petanque to watch this rearrange game.

    Not grate but to be fairness Bornemouth is a turd.

    Like you find everywhere in the pavement of most french town and city. Woof woof!!

    As for my bro Slade, don’t worry be happy Slade, tu pense que votre moustache est la mode!

    And as for Tristram, this name sound to someone who doesn’t have English as the first tongue like a tropical or sex disease. You have a knob for a head?

    Anyway, I go also on a cruise with my firm now for 2 week – then we prepare for the Euro party for euro 2016 here in France. Does any other Reds come in France at this time? If the answer is yes I have advice for you …. look where you tread as the pavement is cover in turds like Bournemouth. Woof woof!

    Only some joke. If you will come in France you can sent me a email to jvanmonin@wanadoo.fr

    Maybe I will sea you then.

    J

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *